The Secret Lives of Girls

 Ah, the world of shoujo-ai. While shounen-ai and yaoi by far and away seem to be the more popular genres (given that they draw in more girls than shoujo-ai and yuri generally draw in guys), there is something to be said for a good girl's love story, although they are certainly more difficult to come by. Many popular anime and manga series have it as a lesser element to the main storyline (such as in Mai-Hime or Cardcaptor Sakura), and some lesser known titles have it as a central topic and treat the relationships more seriously.

Seriousness, however, is not the case in Maria Holic, a shoujo-ai themed comedy featuring nosebleed prone lipstick lesbian Kanako Miyamae as she tries to find her yuri life partner at an all girls Catholic mission. Maria Holic is to shoujo-ai what Gravitation is to shounen-ai: both are ridiculous, over the top, and probably not the best representation of what being a homosexual is really like. But this is not to say the anime is lacking in fun or doesn't have its heart in the right place. The wackiness of the story and characters brings in plenty of laughs, and although Kanako's depraved sexuality is openly mocked, there is a degree of respect given to the fact that she is open about what she wants and takes a straightforward approach to life, as opposed to the games of her sadistic roommate Mariya.

A typical morning in the life of Kanako.

Maria Holic begins on a hopeful note for Kanako. She's just transferred to Ame-no-Kisaki, the school where her beloved parents met each other for the first time, and she's looking forward to her own romance unfolding with one (or all) of the cute young ladies in her class. The first girl she meets in the gorgeous Mariya, a coy and blushing blonde who appears as if she will become Kanako's first friend. But when she leaves Kanako with a kiss on the cheek and the highly androphobic yuri-girl breaks out in hives as she only does when touched by a member of the opposite sex, Kanako is left wondering if there is something else going on with the kind cutie.

There is. And how! A wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time incident occurs, and it is revealed that Mariya, a relative of the former chair of Ame-no-Kisaki, is actually a boy crossdressing as a girl to attend the school! Yikes! Mariya isn't a natural born tranny, but is dressing up on a bet with his sister, the real Mariya, devised by the former chairwoman to decide which one of them should inherit her position. If a student figures out that 'Mariya' is really a boy and 'Shizu', his sister attending the all boys school, is really a girl, they lose their chance to become head chairperson.

Crossdressing has never looked so convincing.

Luckily, Kanako hadn't officially become an Ame-no-Kisaki student at this point, so Mariya is still safe. However, the quite twisted and brutal young man isn't satisfied that Kanako will keep the secret quiet, so he arranges for them to share a dorm together (his maid Matsurika joining them) so he can keep an eye on her and grind her gears about her lesbianism, nosebleeds, and rampant stupidity at his leisure.

While Kanako tries to manage having a hives-inducing bully as her roommate, she finds herself immersed in a wonderland of beauties, ranging from demure Inamori to all-out tsundere Honoka, each with their own style of cuteness. None of the girls share her orientation, but this doesn't keep Kanako from engaging in erotic fantasies about her classmates and teachers and suffering from epic nosebleeds that stain pools, statues, and even the entire world completely red. Humorously, no one but Mariya and Matsurika understand what causes her nosebleeds; everyone else just assumes she's very sickly, and fail to notice that her extreme attention to them is fueled by lust.

While Kanako provides the majority of the laughs, her cast of side characters lend a pretty good hand. The dorm leader, referring to herself as 'God,' has many excellent moments on her own, using her unflinching opinion of herself as a deity and her tendency to accept bribes but always get the better of those around her make her the best source of deadpan humor. Father Kanae, the school's priest, is also known to steal the show with his not-so-hidden crushes on four of the female students, including Mariya, and his obsession with trying to psychoanalyze Kanako's baffling behavior. His tendency to delve too deeply into the trivial paired with Kanako's habit of screaming out inane trivia terms when harassed by a man, and Mariya's sadistic love of causing trouble for Kanako puts him in the most hilarious situations of the show. At one point, Mariya has convinced the poor priest that Kanako's brother has died of 'Tchaikovsky Syndrome in B Minor,' leaving Father Kanae to try to have a therapy session with Kanako in the dorms. After bribing 'God,' he has only a few minutes to spend with Kanako, who immediately breaks into hives and starts shrieking things like 'Trinidad and Tobago!' and 'Nyarlathotep!', before 'God' comes in and kicks him out again.

The perverted, dazed, and confused priest attempting to comprehend the majesty of a beetle

Those who are looking for romance are going to have to content themselves with fantasies, however. Even at the end of season 2, Kanako declares that she hasn't managed to find love yet, which is of course just as well considering the obliviousness of her classmates. Her feminine ideal is represented by Mariya, but this is somewhat challenged by the fact Mariya is a boy, and the part of his personality she loves so much is an act he puts on when he needs to get what he wants. Shizu would actually make the better candidate since she has Mariya's looks, is a girl, and has a kinder personality towards Kanako, but actually putting Kanako in a relationship would take away the fun of watching her moon after all the girls equally. This doesn't stop quite a bit of the fandom from shipping Kanako and Mariya based on the narrator accusing her of falling in love with him, although I for one don't see how someone who can't even stand to be touched by a man would survive being in a relationship with one. Although the anti-opposite sex Zodiac curse didn't stop some of the Sohmas from Fruits Basket from getting into relationships, so we can't quite exclude the possibility.

In any case, Mariya fits right in to her lesbian fantasies.

Also, as a former Catholic School girl, I would like to add that Catholic School is not quite as exciting as it is in anime. I've never exorcised a demon or had a naughty priest or seen anyone engage in extreme impurity in the church. I'm not saying it can't happen from time to time, but it's more the exception rather than the rule. But I'm still waiting excitedly for the day the Vatican becomes like a chapter of Vassalord. Matsurika, please start pelting “APOLOGIZE TO CHRISTIANS” basketballs at my head.

Maria Holic is worth a watch for all school comedy fans, regardless of how you feel about shoujo-ai. As I said, anything romantic that happens goes on in her head, so if you aren't huge on girl on girl action, it doesn't veer to that territory. The comedy is pure gold, and the jokes translate well to subtitle readers, although you will have to read pretty fast to keep up with Kanako's random trivia spewings and Father Kanae's frantic interpretations of them. However, if you are looking for serious shoujo-ai or pure romance, this might not be your first pick. Save this for a day when you're in need of some smiles and over the top versions of everyday life, and it will hit the spot just right. *NOSEBLEED*

Next up will be the jam packed adventure of Durarara!